Through Tears Comes Wisdom - by Cara Potapshyn Meyers

She must have cried herself to sleep every night for seventeen months. That's at least how long it would have taken me to put my words onto paper without falling apart.

I am referring to an article I was offered to read. This article was written by a mother whose son has Tay-Sachs disease. A child with this horrendous disease rarely lives to see their third birthday. This woman's son is now 18 months old. Here is the direct link for those who choose to read it: http://www.nytimes.com/2011/10/16/opinion/sunday/notes-from-a-dragon-mom.html?src=tp&smid=fb-share. Be warned...have a tissue box in hand. For those who choose not to read the article, I will summarize for you.

Emily Rapp, is a professor of creative writing at the Santa Fe University of Art and Design. She tells how she had genetic testing for Tay-Sachs, not once, but twice. Both times the results were negative. None of the prenatal testing came back positive. Emily and her husband were excited, looking forward to a happy, healthy baby. They read all the prenatal books to ensure that they would make the best choices for their baby. I can certainly relate. Both my husband and I had $3,000 worth of every genetic test available. We came out with 100% perfect results. Like Rapp, we did the same thing. We read the best books, were staunch advocates for breast feeding, I even put ear phones on my belly for an hour each day, playing classical music while I napped (my son was calmest when Vivaldi or Bach was played). My son was such a sleepy, quiet baby, that at one of my prenatal check-ups, it took almost three hours! The technician needed to take important measurements and my son just would not move. She even called in the doctor, who straddled me and massaged my abdomen to get my son to move. Again, no luck. I ended up having to come back the next day. Thank goodness my son was much more cooperative then.

I look back on my pregnancy, as Rapp must have, with spinning mobiles and fancy bedding dancing in my head. I fantasized about holding my baby in a sling as I did errands, completely non-sleep deprived (I did say it was a fantasy). I was eagerly looking forward to a perfect baby in every way, as I'm sure Rapp was.

I'm not sure when Rapp was given the diagnosis of her son's condition. I do know that the nightmare I had with my son began during labor and only started to wind down about two years ago, once all of my son's disorders were finally identified. My son was six then. Six completely draining years. Six years of ineffective bonding. I regret those six years. But I have developed such an incredibly strong, impenetrable bond with my 8 year-old son, it is as if those first six years never happened. My son doesn't remember. Unfortunately I always will. 

 As I was up with my baby son multiple times per night, with his colic and reflux, for just about three years, I can imagine Rapp welcoming watching her son sleep at night, sighing in his sleep and reaching out to pick him up if he needed comforting. What I viewed as torture, to Rapp would have been, and probably is, the loveliest time of her day. As my son easily had a good twenty-five meltdowns a day, starting at eleven months old, Rapp would probably have embraced laughingly that her son still had so much vigor and fight left in him. When my 18-month old flung his plate of spaghetti and sauce across the kitchen, splattering every wall, floor, and 2 dogs, and I wanted to slide down into a heap and cry. Rapp is probably flinging spaghetti herself, just to hear more laughter come from her son.

Looking back, I wish that I was aware of each of my son's disorders when he was a baby. I blamed myself for my son's uncontrollable nature and didn't realize I had prolonged postpartum depression. I would have forgiven him as well as myself for our lack of bonding those first young years. Rapp is giving her son a gift. A gift he will never be aware of, but she will. And the grief and pain will probably never fully dissipate. But the knowledge that she spent every waking moment (and unslept moment) being fully with her child, must fill her with even a small amount of gratitude. She gave of herself completely. Without self-pity or repressed anger. That is what makes her story so special. She asks the question: How do you parent a child who has no future? You don't. You throw the "rules" out the window and make each day more special than the day before.

She must have cried a bucket full of tears. I know I have. But I still have my precious son with me. She does too. But only for a little while longer.

Just Me and My Guy - By Cara Potapshyn Meyers

A beautiful ocean breeze is blowing by me while my son is making the "world's largest sandcastle" with a little boy he befriended. We have had impeccable weather since we have been here; Five days so far. Under ordinary circumstances, this would be sublime.

My son and I are at a ridiculously overpriced beachfront hotel, with suboptimal service (I am the Hotel Snob, you know). Our house has been without power, food, and hot water for almost a week now, since Hurricane Irene passed by. My son couldn't take the pitch black nights with no air conditioning or fans and no refrigerated food. I made a call to a beachfront resort that I had tried to make reservations with a month ago. At that time they were booked solid. I called the day after the hurricane passed and wouldn't you know it! I had my choice of any room I wanted because so many guests had cancelled! I planned to stay for just a few days since I predicted we would have power back within that time. No such luck. I extended our stay throughout the Labor Day weekend.

This unplanned excursion, although bordering on necessary, has really been a treat for both my son and me. Neither of us had been to the beach all summer. My son adores the beach and wallows in the sand. I know I can take him anywhere and he will make friends...even a beach chair, if necessary! His BFF and mine came to visit us one of the days we were here. That day went too quickly for us. Since then, my son has befriended a boy who is here with his Mom and siblings because they lost power also. The boys have been practically inseparable.

My only frustration has been the fact that some cell towers around here have been inactive, due to the storm. My only means of communication has been through texting. I'm not sure if I like embracing my limited means of communication or not. On the one hand, I have to use my computer sparingly. Getting and receiving cell phone calls is practically impossible. If the wind blows the right way, I can post on FaceBook or upload a photo of my son on the beach. All in all, though, I'm getting used to the spotty connections and limitations to the outside world.

The best part of this trip has been the bonding I have had with my son. We are "together" 24/7. He is off with his friend while on the beach, but we are together at all other times. We lie in bed, exhausted at the end of the day. He watches some TV while I read or type this blog. We order in room service because I arranged to get meal vouchers. All I have to pay for is the delivery fee. Basically, we do what we want, when we want, with no set schedule at all. It's perfect!

We also play on the beach together. When my son's friend has somewhere else to go, we fly our kite, dig in the sand, and walk on the beach collecting treasures. I get cold easily, so I stay at the water's edge and take photos of my son as he navigates the wild post-hurricane current with his boogie board! We even became friendly with a very nice lifeguard who took my son out into the ocean to help him learn to swim in ocean water. I have complete confidence when my son is in a pool or still water. But ocean water is always unpredictable. I want him to feel the unpredictability and learn how to navigate through it. He is strong and sure of himself. I have no reason to believe he won't be able to be completely comfortable and respectful of the ocean. He wants to learn to surf one day. One needs to be totally at ease but mindful to take on a sport such as that.  

This week has been an unexpected joy! My blogs, however, seem to depict an oxymoron! Last week I was swooning over my extended "alone time." Now I am swooning over time spent together with my son. I guess this shows me that there really is no balance to parenting if you have one but not the other. I also believe that because we are just doing our own thing, without any set schedules, it makes this time together even more enjoyable. I am almost disappointed for us both that school begins in a few days. We'll be back to "routine." Everyone needs routine in their lives to some extent. Some more than others. But I am loving this simple time with just my son. His sweet endearments towards me. My unbridled love for him. Just the two of us. Just me and my guy. 

The Biggest Pumpkin EVER!!! - By Cara Potapshyn Meyers

My son’s favorite time of year is not his birthday. Nor is it the winter Holidays. His favorite time of year is Halloween! I find this quite ironic because he hates candy or sweets of any type (I am blessed with at least this!). But he loves to dress up and pretend he is something or someone else for a day when other children are doing the exact same thing!

Last year I wrote about my husband taking my son out to get a Power Ranger costume and coming home with a Ghost Rider costume instead! This year, they at least included me in their decision-making, and also to lessen the chance that, “Mommy will freak out!” They chose a Ghost buster costume. I’m satisfied, my husband didn’t care, and my son is elated! All is well in that department!

This year, my son has been obsessed with pumpkins. We are reading dozens of books about pumpkins! We tried to grow pumpkins in our backyard garden, however no pumpkins ever grew. I discovered the culprit...we call him the “buffet squirrel.” Pumpkin flowers need to be pollinated and mature into baby pumpkins. However this “buffet squirrel” ate all of the pumpkin flowers! I actually caught him in the act as he was munching away on one of the flowers! So, alas, disappointment arose when we discovered that none of our pumpkin seeds were given the chance to mature into baby pumpkins.

So, from the beginning of October, straight through the entire month, my son has been asking me relentlessly to visit pumpkin farms to find, “the biggest pumpkin EVER!!!” See, he has developed an annual ritual with his Grandfather. My son finds the biggest pumpkin he can, and his Grandfather takes tremendous pleasure in helping my son carve the pumpkin!

Well, off we went to the first pumpkin farm where my son found the “biggest pumpkin EVER!!! (See below). I have no idea how he managed to carry that thing! It weighed at least 25 pounds! And I pulled a back muscle hoisting that thing into the trunk of my car! But that was the pumpkin my son declared was the, “biggest pumpkin EVER,” so that was the one we bought!

After pulling a back muscle from this thing, I had my husband transfer the giant gourd to his car and take it to the “carving station” my Father-in-Law set up for the annual event! I stayed home and rested my aching back.

My son, his father and his Grandfather together had a hilarious and extraordinarily joyful time carving “the biggest pumpkin EVER!!! From what I understand, some type of power tools were involved in addition to the typical pumpkin carving tools I bought for this project. But I guess if you have to resort to using power tools on the, “biggest pumpkin EVER,” you have to use what is at your disposal to get the job done!

Below is the finished product both unlit, and lit. It proudly sits, decorating our front porch! I think it is beautiful and creative! But the most important aspect of this entire event was that my son’s wish was fulfilled by all of the family members who love him. And an annual bonding ritual once again came to fruition! I couldn’t ask for anything more for my son!

Although my son did ask to go to several other pumpkin farms to find an even bigger pumpkin than the one we originally found! I told him that I would be delighted to make play dates to meet with friends of his and choose some smaller pumpkins to decorate our home with. But the “biggest pumpkin EVER!!!” had already been found. We would have to wait until next year to resume our annual search.

Between you and me, my back was still on the mend from lifting the “biggest pumpkin EVER!!!”

CYMA CHATS with Candi Wingate, Nanny Expert and Founder of Nannies4Hire.com

What compelled you to be a nanny and then start a nanny services bureau?

I started my career as a nanny, working for a family with five children.  I quickly learned what families need, and applied those real-life lessons to my business.  Plus, I’m a wife and mother of two young boys, so I know first-hand what it’s like to balance work and a family.
 

What is the difference between a nanny and a babysitter?

Nanny: a committed childcare provider, employed by a family to provide supervision and a nurturing environment for the family’s children, without direct parental supervision. A nanny may live in or out of a family’s primary residence and is focused on the needs of the child. The well-being, education and development of the child on a day-to-day basis is the primary responsibility of the nanny. Duties that are required for the care of a child such as bathing, meal preparation, laundry, housekeeping, homework supervision, errands, exercise, and transportation are part of a nanny’s responsibility. Formal education is not required if the nanny has suitable experience with children. It is recommended that all nannies and childcare providers be certified in infant and child CPR.

Babysitter: A temporary childcare provider who provides care of children, without direct parental supervision, in the family home. A babysitter works for short periods of time, and the primary responsibility is the care and entertainment of children when the parents are not at home. A babysitter’s responsibility will change from situation to situation depending on the need of the child during the span of time that the babysitter is to provide care.

What type of people choose to be a nanny? Are there "career" nannies?

All types of people choose to be nannies.  It can be a male or a female, they can be straight out of high school or have a college degree.  The majority of the time a nanny responsibilities include childcare, light housekeeping, laundry, meal preparation, transporting children, errands, etc.  They can either live-in or live-out.  The role of a nanny is to bond with your child.  It is a natural process, your child will become attached to your nanny.  You should feel threatened by this relationship.  You will always be the parent and your child's strongest bond will be with you.  

What screening process do you use? What qualities do you look for in a nanny? Can a nanny be a man?

Although it can be tempting to immediately hire the first nanny you come across who meets all the qualifications you’re looking for, it is definitely a smart decision to do a background check. Though in many cases, you won’t find anything that should deter you from hiring a nanny candidate, it’s always better to err on the side of caution. The nanny background check can reveal information you wouldn’t otherwise be privy to. We recommend checking references, criminal histories, driving history (if the nanny will be transporting the children), social security # trace.  It is also important to sit down and sign a contract -prior to employment - to detail the job - so there are no questions once employment starts.  You can always refer back to the contract if there are questions.  

Many families hire male nannies (mannies).  Here is a partial list of reasons why:

“I hired a manny because I have all boys.”

“I’m a single mom and want a male figure for my children.”

“My husband travels a lot for work, so we hired a manny who can take our son camping and do a lot of boy-things with him.”

 “We interviewed a lot of wonderful nannies and mannies.  We simply hired the best qualified candidate and that happened to be a manny.”

When you're hiring a live-out nanny, one all-important part of the interview process is watching how he/she interacts with your child.  Ideally your live-out nanny should exhibit certain qualities during the interview process.  They should show a level of warmth.  When he/she interacts with your child, he/she should show a genuine interest in your child.  The nanny should behave professionally.  This means he/she should respect your role as the parent as well as engage with your child in an appropriate manner.  The nanny should be knowledgeable about the stage of your child.  This means he/she should understand the needs and issues concerned with your 2 year old versus your 6 month old.

A common conception is that utilizing nannies can be an expensive proposition. How do you answer that?

In these tough economic times, we’re all being cautious with our spending.  Parents may be worried about hiring a nanny, thinking it’s too “luxurious” in light of the current downturn.  What you may not know is that hiring a nanny can actually save families money over other childcare options.

Many parents debate the merits of hiring a nanny versus putting their children in daycare.  If you have two or more children, it’s often more cost-effective to hire a nanny, as daycares charge per child and will be more expensive than paying a nanny to come to your home.

With a nanny, parents don’t have to leave work - potentially missing a day’s pay - when their child is sick, like they would with day care. Your nanny can stay home with your children while you work.  As an added benefit, you may have healthier children if you keep them out of daycare and away from other kids’ germs.

The economic downturn has everyone looking to cut costs whenever possible, so the concept of “nanny sharing” has grown in popularity this year.  There are several “nanny sharing” scenarios, including having one nanny watch kids from several families simultaneously or having one nanny work part-time for two different families, spending a few days with each family.  These options help reduce costs, while still providing the benefits of having a nanny.

Must a nanny reside in the house where they work? Can nannies be part or full time?

A nanny can be full-time, part-time, summer, temporary, live-in or live-out depending on the need of the family.  

How can new older mothers benefit from using a nanny?

In today’s society, there are many benefits of hiring a nanny:

1.  COST.  If you have two or more children, it may be cost effective for you to hire a nanny as many daycare centers can cost you more.  Also, many families are using “nanny share”.  This is an arrangement in which two families share one nanny.  This cuts down on costs but you still experience the benefits of having a nanny.

2.  HEALTH OF THE CHILDREN.  You may have healthier children by keeping them away from the large groups of children typically found in daycare.  

3.  WORKPLACE PRODUCTIVITY.  If your children are sick, many daycare centers will not accept your children.  However, if you have a nanny, you can still go to work as the nanny will stay home with the children.  Further, if you have an attentive nanny at home with your children, you will be less likely to feel like you just can’t concentrate at work due to concern for your children.  By staying focused at work, your workplace productivity remains high.

4.  HOME WORKLOAD DELEGATION.  A nanny can help you maintain work/life balance.  For example, a nanny can be an extra pair of hands helping with household duties such as laundry, errands, transporting children, and starting the evening meal.  This allows for more quality family time when the parents arrive home.  No need to rush in the morning to get the kids out the door for daycare or school: a nanny is an extra pair of hands in the morning.

5.  MARITAL BONDING.  Many parents become so over-committed with the tasks of working full-time on top of parenting, household maintenance, and a host of other daily responsibilities, that tending the marital bond simply isn’t on their radar screen.  Years later, it may be too late when the couple realizes that they have grown apart.  A nanny can help prevent that.  Nannies can watch children in the evenings (which many daycare centers will not do), thus allowing parents an opportunity for a romantic evening out, or maybe just some private just-the-two-of-us time.  

6.  PEACE OF MIND.   Daycare centers have staff turnover.  Parents are not typically involved in the staff recruitment and selection process at their children’s daycare center.  Therefore, you never know, on a day-to-day basis, who may be watching your children in a daycare setting.  If you hire a nanny, however, you know in whose care your children are.  You interviewed the nanny, performed background checks on her, and hired her yourself.

7.  CONTINUITY OF CARE.  Children usually bond with their caregivers.  This is healthy.  However, it is hard for children to address separation from caregivers, such as when a caregiver resigns his/her employment.  Nanny turnover is much lower than typical daycare center staff, so children with nannies tend to experience less frequently the grief and anxiety associated with caregiver turnover.

8.  CAREGIVER-TO-CHILD RATIO.  Daycare centers in most states are required to comply with legal guidelines on caregiver-to-child ratios.  In an effort to maximize profits, daycare centers will seek to have as many children as possible without exceeding the legally proscribed limits.  If you hire a nanny, you can be assured that your caregiver is focused solely on your children.

9.  ALL THE COMFORTS OF HOME.  For children, this last one is a big one.  When a nanny is caregiving for your children, they can play with their own toys, nap in their own beds, and stay in the familiar environment of their own home throughout their day.  If there is inclement weather outside, it’s no problem: the children do not need to go outside to go to daycare as their nanny comes to their home to care for them.

As both a 'caretaker' and a businesswoman, do you feel you've combined the best of both worlds?

Yes; I feel I have combined the best of both worlds.  I have a job that I love and I have a nanny that is part of our family that my children have grown to love.

You had your first child at 35. As a new older mother, what does that experience bring to your profession, and visa versa?

After becoming a mom, I feel like I totally relate to other families searching for a nanny.  I have a nanny and understand the process a family goes through to hiring a nanny. 

Candi Wingate is a national child care expert with over 20 years experience in the industry. She is the founder of Nannies4Hire.com and Care4Hire.com, and author of 100 Tips for Nannies & Families and The Nanny Factor: A Parent’s Guide to Finding the Right Nanny for Your Family (available October 1^st). URL:                   http://www.nannies4hire.com/index.asp

Sneaking in Some Work

It is Sunday, I should be doing things around the house (laundry, dishes, going through piles of old magazines) because baby is napping. But instead, I am compelled to get work done even though I am trying to only work on weekday mornings when the babysitter is here. There is either not enough time during the week or I can't get motivated during the week to focus entirely on work.

I end up blogging (hmmm, what am I doing right now?) or Twittering or doing some virtual window shopping. I'm trying to keep my workload manageable but am still trying to squeeze in a new client and a new column. Who do I think I am? The Pre-Baby Me?

Pre-baby, I was incredibly motivated, focused and productive. All of those words seem foreign to me now. I can remember that they used to apply to me but can't remember what they felt like. I keep making To Do lists then losing them, or I'm staring at them crosseyed hoping things will magically get checked off the list.

I've started feeling guilty about wanting to work all the time. I like working. I like getting things done. I'm still adjusting to the fact that taking care of baby means a different kind of productivity. I'm enjoying the milestones met and more bonding with baby, but I keep looking for "assignments" with a beginning, middle and end to check off a motherhood list. Probably not a healthy way to look at parenting.

So as I do mental and emotional gymnastics to learn what it means to be a mom instead of a workaholic overachiever, I find myself sneaking a moment to do things on my computer on the weekend as if I were sneaking chocolates. A momentary high of accomplishment. And the leftover feeling of guilt. Because there is still stuff to do around the house and baby will wake up any minute now.