Twas the Night Before Christmas - by Cara Potapshyn Meyers

Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the house,

Not a creature was stirring, 

Except for myself.

My child was sleeping, all snug in his bed.

While visions of Nintendo games, flew through his head.

Only I heard the sound of reindeer hooves clatter,
Which made me sigh, "Now what's the matter?"

With ribbon and gift wrap still clutched in my hand,
I descended the stairs, and saw the old man.

He was covered with ashes and plenty of soot, 

Which fell with a shrug, all underfoot.
"Oh great," I muttered, "Now I have to clean the rug too."

"Ho-ho-ho!" cried Santa, "I'm glad you're awake."
"Your gift was especially difficult to make."

"Thanks, Santa, but all I want is some time alone."
"Exactly!" he chuckled, "I've made you a clone."

"A clone?" I asked, "What good is that?
Run along, Santa, I've no time for chit-chat."

She was my twin. Same hair, same eyes.
Same look of chagrin, same gaze of surprise.

"She'll cook, she'll dust, she'll mop every mess.
You relax, take it easy, read a book, go to bed."

"Fantastic!" I cheered. 

"My dream come true!
"I'll internet shop. I'll read. I'll sleep the whole night through! "

From the room above, my son began to fret.
"Mommy?! I’m scared...is Santa here yet?"
The clone replied, "I'm coming, sweetheart."
"Hey," I smiled, "She knows her part."

The clone went to comfort my son with a tune.
"You’re the best Mommy ever. " I heard my son swoon.

“I really love you." The clone smiled and sighed, 

"I love you, too," my sweet son replied.

I frowned and I said, "Sorry, Santa, no deal. "
“That's my child's love, she's trying to steal."

Smiling wisely Santa said, "To me it is clear, "
Only one loving mother, is needed here."

I kissed my child, and tucked him into bed.
"Thank you, Santa, for clearing my head.
I sometimes forget, it won't be very long,
When he'll be too old, for my cradle-song."

The clock on the mantle began to chime.
Santa said to the clone, "It works every time."
With the clone by his side, Santa merrily said, "Merry Christmas to all!”

To me he whispered, “And to you, a good night!”

We wish all our readers a very Happy New Year!!

GUEST BLOG POST: I Want My Children to Succeed by Ilene Val-Essen, Ph.D.

Moms unite around that shared dream.

Imagine the relief moms would feel if they could face their 18-year-old and say: I feel confident that you’re prepared to make decisions that will positively affect the course of your life.

That translates to:

My kid is okay. I did a good job!

Moms always dream big as we live in the trenches. And it’s in the trenches of everyday life that we help realize these big dreams.

Moms know:

• Children can’t learn effective decision-making skills overnight.

• Children need age-appropriate opportunities throughout their lives.

• Children need parents to create and support these opportunities in order to prepare them for independence.

Imagine living in an environment where you are told where you can go and places you must avoid; what you can eat; what friends you can see, and what time to go to bed. Children live much of the time in this kind of restricted world. How powerless they must feel: Everyone else is bigger, older and more imposing. No wonder they are fans of powerful super-heroes! If there’s something children can control—such as what to wear or what to eat for breakfast—they often guard that power jealously. If an adult tries to take that power away, well—that’s a recipe for conflict.

Clearly, parents must make decisions for their children, but we can still support them to steer their own lives as much as possible. We can offer them opportunities to make real decisions as often as is practical.

When toddlers want to exert their mastery by feeding themselves, we provide foods they can manage easily. When children or teens make suggestions for how to spend their time or money, we listen with an open mind and support their ideas when we can.

Yes, I’ll be glad to check out a gymnastics class for you.

For younger children, we can offer choices:

Do you want to wear your blue sweater or your green one?

As children get older, we can seek their input whenever possible:

These are summer camps I’ve researched. Let’s discuss them to see which one sounds most appealing? (vs. Here’s the camp you’re going to.)

When children feel respected, when they’re given choice in their lives, feelings of being powerless diminish; they see themselves as capable rather than as victims. They’re less likely to be angry and rebellious when they’re older. (If that doesn’t motivate us, nothing will!)

When my son was in middle school, he expressed that idea in a way that made me laugh—once I recovered from the shock:

I feel really out of it, Mom. All the kids bad-mouth their parents; they’re on their case all the time. But you’re always so reasonable. I don’t have a reason to rebel.

Think of a child who has felt controlled all of her life. When she approaches the teen years, with more time away from parental supervision, she may release her anger and “get back” at Mom and Dad. Of course, teens rebel and become manipulative for all sorts of reasons; but, their actions are less likely to be extreme when the teen has felt respected and empowered.
Parents often hesitate to trust their children: Finish your homework as soon as you come home. Then you can play. This suggestion may sound reasonable, but we know that children thrive on autonomy and trust. They often tune into their needs better than we do. Finishing work before playing might be best for some children; others might do better by unwinding after school and doing homework a little later.

Of course there are decisions we must make in our children’s interests, whether or not they agree. But more often than we think, it’s possible to give them a real voice in deciding. If a decision turns out badly, our children have an opportunity to learn by experiencing the consequences. And maturity is often the result.

With each decision, children become more capable, more able to make wise choices. Isn’t that what we want for them?



Ilene Val-Essen, Ph.D. is the author of Bring Out the Best in Your Child and Your Self. For the past 30 years, she has worked with families, children and teens as a Marriage and Family Therapist in private practice in Culver City, California. Dr. Val-Essen is also the creator of the Quality Parenting program, which has been translated into several languages. Please visit her website at http://www.bringoutthebest.com/ to learn more about book and work.

Who I'm Not -- by Liimu

I’m not God. I can’t possibly control all that happens in my world, and I’ve long since given up trying. I’ve known many women and marriages that have broken down over a woman’s futile attempts at maintaining control and some unattainable level of perfection at all times and in all areas. I know a woman who spent her entire career working to be the top dog in her field, until she realized that no amount of money could repair the damage caused by neglecting her husband and kids for nearly twenty years. I know another woman who spent fifteen years spending all her energy trying to be the perfect mom, then woke up one day to find her children about to leave the nest and a man laying next to her in bed she hardly recognized.

I am crazy busy. Anyone who knows me knows that. Bless Robin for including me in this website knowing that fact, but I guess it’s because she also knows that I try very hard not to make commitments unless I fully intend to keep them. If asked where my first priority lies, they might be surprised to know that it’s not actually to my children. It’s to God, and finding ways to best serve Him, and following that, to myself. Because what I have learned is that if I neglect myself or my spiritual life, I am really no good to my children and husband. I’m cranky, irritable, ungrateful, self-centered and just downright yucky to be around. My husband said to me once when I was in one of these moods, “You need to do whatever you need to do to get re-centered. When you’re miserable, everyone in this family is miserable.”

So, I no longer try to be all things to all people. I start with getting connected to God and to being me, the best me I can be, and everything I do is to support one of those two goals. I usually start the day by running or going to the gym for a good workout. (When people ask me how I have time to run, I explain that I multitask. When I’m asked to go out for coffee or drinks, I always ask if we can get together to run instead. That way, I’m combining catching up with a good friend with my never-ending quest for health and fitness. My spiritual tank ends up twice as full!) Today, I ran three miles with a friend at 6 am, and was feeling pretty good about things. I worked for a few hours, and got some excellent feedback on my performance so I was feeling really jazzed. Then at about a quarter to 4, I got all freaked out when I checked our bank account online. I knew I didn’t want to pick up the girls in that state – I try hard not to raise them with the same sense of financial insecurity I grew up with – so I called my sponsor to get some support.

My sponsor told me a story from a recent production of Cinderella she saw. She said in the story, Cinderella asks her fairy godmother if she can go to the ball. She tells her fairy godmother how badly she wants to go and how disappointed she is not to have the right dress to wear or a way to get there. Then she says, “Well, I guess I could borrow my mother’s dress and catch a ride to the ball. I don’t really have to go in a fancy carriage in a fancy dress.” And of course then the fairy godmother grants her the wish, but in this version of the story she says it’s because Cinderella is willing to do everything she can to make her own dreams come true. That opens the door for the Universe to do the rest. “So,” my friend of more than 15 years then said to me, pausing only to breathe deeply (which, in turn, prompted me to do the same), “have you done everything you can do to make your dreams come true?” “I don’t know!” I cried. “Yes,” she assured me. “Yes, you have. Now, just go outside into your beautiful backyard for ten minutes before you pick up those girls and give thanks for all you have. Because just for today, it’s enough. You are enough.”

So, I did. I sat on the patio in the middle of my park-like backyard which, now that Spring has sprung, is bursting with color thanks to the flowers that are in bloom in the grass, the trees and the bushes. I sat there and looked around and then I looked up and said, “I’m sorry for doubting You. Thank You, God. Thank You for taking such good care of me. I promise, I trust You.” And before I knew it, it was time to go pick up my girls.

As I walked down the driveway to meet the bus, my phone rang. I looked at the caller ID and saw that it was a colleague of mine who has been helping me secure project work consistently since the beginning of the year. He was calling to tell me that a resource they had assigned to an upcoming project had backed out and he wanted to know if I was interested in taking it. I smiled to the Heavens and said another silent “thank You” to the God of my understanding, who was – yet again – reminding me that there is a God, and it isn’t me.

Dream & Believe -- by Liimu

I am LIimu McGill. My husband, Glen, and I had our third child just a few months after I turned 36. I didn’t realize how much energy it took to be a mom until we added Autumn to our family, which already included two toddlers, then 3 and 4. Never one to back down from a challenge, I have continued to live life with gusto, regularly running half-marathons and participating in triathlons, running my own business, LSM Consulting, and most recently re-launching my singing career (my first CD is due out this Spring on an independent label). I live by the personal philosophy that the best way to encourage your children to follow their dreams is by following your own, no matter how late in life you start.

I look forward to sharing my journey with all of you!

When Robin (founder of MotherhoodLater.com) asked me whether I wanted my very first Motherhood Later blog post to run on March 4th or March 7th, I didn’t hesitate before answering that the 7th would be the perfect day. It’s a day of reflection for me every year, as it is the anniversary of the day I got sober, 15 years ago. Who would have thought when I was sitting in rehab 15 years ago listening to others share their experience, strength and hope about how they accepted that they needed to avoid a drink one day at a time, that I would one day be sharing my experience, strength and hope about being a nearly-40 mom of three?? Before I got sober, I didn’t really think I would ever have a husband, let alone children, though it was my deepest desire from as far back as I can remember. Sobriety has given me so many gifts, not the least of which being the courage to dream and the faith in a Higher Power and in the fact that He/She can make those dreams come true.

The recovery process is not just about recovery, it’s also about discovery. Over the past 15 years, I have learned ways of discovering what I do and don’t like about myself, what I do and don’t like to do, and who I do and don’t like to do it with. As a result, I have the life of my dreams. I run a business that offers me the financial freedom to travel and enjoy my own personal favorite activities like running and playing tennis, while also giving me the flexibility to spend time with my children. I have a husband who I often look at and think, who is that hot guy? Oh, wait! That’s my husband! I get to go home with him! (And it’s not just me – just the other night at a gig, another singer said, “Is that your husband? WOW – he’s hot!” Yep, and he’s all mine…tee hee.)

In addition to having my own business, I have always had the dream of being a singer. This past year that dream has come even closer to coming true. Before I got sober, I wrote a song about believing in your dreams, and that song was recorded with a real band (the drummer played for Stevie Wonder!!) and even played on the radio. People tell me that when they hear the song, they tear up with emotion. It makes me feel so good to know that I’m not only realizing my dreams, but touching others in the process.

And of course, the greatest dream I have realized over these past 15 years was to get married to the man of my dreams and have three beautiful, spectacular, breathtakingly wonderful daughters. With my 40th birthday fast approaching, I’m feeling an even more intense desire to continue to follow my dreams not just for my own selfish reasons, but also for them. I have come to the conclusion that the best way to get them to pursue their dreams is for me to pursue mine.

‘Cause if you believe in yourself
Then you don’t need anything or anybody else
If you believe in your dreams, then your dreams will come true
So believe in yourself, as I believe in you.
Believe in Yourself, © 2009 Liimu

Just a Number -- by Robin

Earlier this week, I attended a luncheon gathering of some interesting older women writers in my town. I love being with upbeat elderly people, women in particular. There's so much to be said for learning from the experiences of others, especially those who have lived longer than you. I try to soak in their wisdom like a sponge. Such a yest for life which knows no age. And why should it?!

I was speaking on the phone with a friend today who is in her 50s (but doesn't look it)...and she said that she has been asked how old she is, and she's coined the response, "Age is just a number, and mine is unlisted."

I LOVE that. And, I'm going to borrow it, I let her know. She laughed.

Her philosophy, and I agree, is that anything is possible in life. Getting caught up in age can potentially lead to self-limiting beliefs. Expectations...or lack thereof. And, either way, why should we do that to ourselves? We deserve better.

I took an acting class this fall, and I just learned that the acting teacher is about to go on a trip to India to work in an orphanage. She recently celebrated her 70th birthday. She looks much younger, and, she's never, to my knowledge, had plastic surgery. Not that I'm against it, but it's not everyone's cup of tea. (I've never done it.) At present, I prefer to go the healthy green tea route. :)

Certainly, as a later mom, especially if you're feeling tired a lot, it's easy to say that you have less energy now than you did when you were younger. But, what about mental energy? Are you doing things that are stimulating to you? Do you allow yourself some quality time with friends who really know you and you can share with in a way that feels authentic and meaningful? That in itself can be reinvigorating.

I just signed up to take two local adult ed classes starting in March, and I'm very much looking forward. One is called Writing from the Heart, which is taught by my former acting teacher. The other is an introduction to Tarot Card Reading. Just for fun! I'm curious. I've had my cards read in the past and have always been intrigued by it. It will get me thinking out of the box, for sure. And, the description says you will even learn how to read your own cards.

So, who knows what I'll uncover in the cards? Though, I don't really want to dwell too much on the future. I'd prefer to live fully today. And, I'm curious who will be in my classes. Since they're offered midday during the week, my guess is that they will be popular with seniors. And, I welcome that with open arms.


PS -- Our bloggers need your support. Take a quick second and cast a vote for us here. http://www.babble.com/babble-50/mommy-bloggers/nominate-a-blogger/index.aspx Scroll down to the 100s to find us on the list. Thanks!

Is Yelling the New Spanking? by Cara

I was forwarded an article by a friend this week, written by a New York Times columnist about whether American parents believe yelling at their children is considered what spanking used to be back in the 50s, 60, and to a certain degree, the 70s.

The article shouted practically a unanimous, “yes,” with evidence backed up by child psychology researchers and interviews with parents. Most of the evidence indicated that the same parents who would “never” spank their children, use yelling as a means to get their point across instead. In fact, one blogger admitted on her blog, “I am a screamer. I’m a Mom that screams, shouts and loses it in front of my kids and feel like I’m revealing a dark family secret.”

This may not be so far from the truth. My own parents never spanked me. However my father used to bellow so loudly at me at the smallest of infractions, it almost felt like a spanking. In fact, a spanking might have hurt less at times.

I personally have never spanked my son and have yelled at him only once (not including screaming for him to wait at a corner until I get there so as not to get run over). Every other time, I give myself a time out. I go to another room, lock the door, put earplugs in and listen to calming music for 5 minutes. I’ve been known to put my toddler in a playpen and walk around the house a few times. And on a couple rare instances, I handed my husband the baby, grabbed my car keys and my wallet and drove around the neighborhood for 30 minutes or so.

So what are these experts and researchers trying to tell us? And what really is a frustrated, ready to blow parent supposed to do? According to the New York Times article, both psychologists and psychiatrists generally say yelling should be avoided. At best, it is ineffective (the more you do it, the more the child tunes you out) and at worse, it can be damaging to a child’s sense of well-being and self-esteem. As one researcher put it, “If someone yelled at you at work, you’d find that pretty jarring.” Furthermore, if the tone of the yelling denotes anger, insult, or sarcasm, a child can perceive it as parental rejection.

The bottom line message through this article is: Don’t yell. Easier said than done. But there are strategies to prevent situations from escalating into the “Yell-o-sphere.” One strategy, as I’ve mentioned and used is to give yourself the time-out. Go into another room and scream into a pillow if need be! Be proactive, let young ones know that a transition will be coming soon and repeat it in intervals. Make sure the school age child has the backpack filled the night before. Tell your young ones that going into a store is where the parent makes the purchases, not the child. I personally go shopping while my son is in school. If I were not able to do that, I would forgo sleep and do grocery shopping at 10:00 pm. But that’s just me!

The experts suggest figuring out your own ways to prevent situations that make you most prone to yell. And take a deep breath before the words come out. There, unfortunately, will always be those moments where you just don’t know how to handle certain situations. You’ll blow, but an apology is usually recommended. And you can always do what I do if I know my husband is in a bad mood and may explode. I’ll say to my son, “Honey, just don’t make Daddy mad.” My son knows EXACTLY what that means! Then we BOTH stay away!

"The Great Pumpkin" -- by Cara

At least once each October, I take my son pumpkin picking at a large, commercial farm. My son had been looking forward to it all week, counting down the days! I was watching the weather forecast, praying for a nice day. We went for the first time this season last weekend. It was a cool, windy day, after a storm had swept through the area. But weather of any kind was not going to stop my son from his hunt...the hunt for the BIGGEST pumpkin! Or, shall we say, “The GREAT Pumpkin!”

We tried growing pumpkins from seed this year. However, I think we started out too late and the rainy, cool summer didn’t help with our pumpkin crop. In fact, our crop consists of one small, oval, green, sad pumpkin. I have my doubts that it will grow anymore, especially with the night temperatures reaching now into the 40s. Thus, the pumpkin picking. And the hunt! For the “Great Pumpkin!”

My father-in-law (bless his soul!), had promised my son that he would help him carve the pumpkin if my son picked out a big, round, beautiful pumpkin! Well, my son searched. And searched. And there were plenty of wonderful pumpkins I thought met the “GREAT Pumpkin” requirements! But not for my son. He was looking for the “perfect” pumpkin. And it had to be BIG! One of the BIGGEST pumpkins! Now we had two criteria to meet: “The GREAT Pumpkin,” and the “BIGGEST” Pumpkin! Of course, all subjective in a six year old boy’s mind!

So we searched...and searched...and searched some more. Finally, we found IT!! The ONE!! The ultimate “perfect pumpkin!” I tried to help my son lug it to our wagon, but he wanted to do it all by himself. And this “perfect pumpkin” HAD to have weighed between 25 and 30 pounds! My son was elated! “Just wait until Poppy sees this one! He’s going to say it is the BEST!”

Thank goodness a nice gentleman helped us put the GIANT pumpkin on the scale and another kind worker then put it into the car! I won’t even guess what this thing cost! But this was for my son! For his favorite time of year! Ready to do one of his favorite craft activities with one of his favorite people - his Poppy!!

The next day I dropped my son off at my Father-in-Law’s house complete with carving tools and an immensely excited boy! We heaved this gigantic pumpkin into his house and I left the two of them to their “work.” My Father-in-Law said he would drop off my son and their creation later on in the day.

Finally, I received a call that my Father-in-Law was bringing back my son with a “very creative” pumpkin! Knowing my son, I could only imagine what that meant. When they arrived it was just past sunset, so I gathered an LED tea light to put into the pumpkin to make it light up. When they placed the pumpkin on the steps leading up to our front door, I did indeed see quite an unusual pumpkin! This pumpkin had one “ear,” the typical, lopsided, triangular eyes and nose, and a mouth that would certainly scare away an orthodontist, since several teeth were missing! My son was beaming! My Father-in-Law was beaming! And all I could think of was how proud I was not only that they spent time and collaborated on such an intense project, but that they both obviously loved this pumpkin with all of it’s “uniqueness'!” I kissed them both before saying goodnight.

I then went in to get more LED tea lights....this pumpkin needed to be even brighter!

Guest Post -- By Terry Starr

Odd Oldie Out

Being the oldest mom in pre-school could at times feel a little like "odd oldie out" and only got tougher entering kindergarten/elementary. This was not something I realized at the time, but there were definitely some pre-conceived notions. Couple this with the fact that I worked full-time and let's just say it took me 5 solid years to find a group of women that I adore and respect. Even today, I am the oldest mom in my wonderful circle of friends and still take a bit of a ribbing at every 'girl's night out birthday celebration'...but, I truly believe in the adage, "You're as young as you feel" because ironically today people constantly mistake me for at least a decade younger.

Having kids later in life certainly has its advantages. My hubby and I were in a pretty stable (financial) position when we had our kids (I was 37 with the first and 41 with the second). Ahh, of course, these days I can't claim anything stable [given our economic climate]. It was a little tougher physically to have our kids this late, but for me, focusing on first establishing my career and then having a family has worked out well. My only word to the wise is that it can be difficult for women to have children as late as I did. And that's a scary thought. In my case, I didn't meet the right man until I was 35 years old...and so the story goes.


Terry Starr, 50, is Co-Founder, www.MYWorkButterfly.com, a site/community whose mission is to provide advice, support and solutions for mothers contemplating a comeback career. She is pictured here with her 13 year old daughter Danielle.

40 Something Mom Memory

How is yours?

Your memory...that is.

This morning, I received a copy of an email newsletter I subscribe to, and they featured an article on this very subject. It came across my computer screen at a timely moment, as I prepare to go out of town and am hustling to remember/tackle all that I need to do before I leave.

I also find this a topic of discussion with other moms my age. Do you?

Since I turned 40, my memory is just not as sharp.

Thankfully I've always been detail-minded, but I find it's even more necessary now. And, there are times when I feel like I have to pick up the slack for others who struggle to keep track because they don't have a system.

For example, I was at the gym the other day and needed to change my workout appointment with my trainer. She asked if I could call her the day before to remind her of the time change. I thought....now not only do I have to write the new time in my calendar, but I have to include a note to myself to call her. That's double memory duty for me. Yet, I knew if I didn't do it, I couldn't count on her to remember. And, she makes no excuses for her lack of effort to remember. She just kids me about being so organized.

But, isn't that a good thing?!

How do people...especially multi-tasking "later" moms...function without some level of organization?

And, believe me, I'm far from perfect in this arena. One look at my home office with all its piles would tell you so. But, I make a point of carrying my datebook with me to record appointments on the spot. And, I have an on-going TO DO list that comes with me as well, so I can add items as they occur to me. And, I've been known to email a note to myself on my Blackberry when it's something I need to take care of workwise.

If I didn't do this, I wouldn't know whether I'm coming or going, personally or professionally.

And, we have a large calendar at home where I record appointments that relate to our family, i.e. upcoming kids parties, school holidays, theatre tickets, etc.

It works for us. Our household/lives needs some semblance of order, and I'm the designated keeper, like it or not. Someone's gotta do it.

Is it you in your home?

Do you find that you're more on top of things than other moms/people in general, or is it a challenge for you to keep track of all that life brings?

There certainly is a lot to handle, and it feels like more 'n more the older I get. Understandably, one can easily get overwhelmed with life's minutia. But, how can we even attempt to tackle it all with grace if we can't keep track of it?

Have you created a system for yourself and your family that works?

If so, please share your tips......