The Man Cave by Sharon O'Donnell

I am just a little bit tired of the phrase ‘man cave’. It implies that men need a place to get away, to hide out, to escape from all that surrounds them – but women don’t have that same need. I actually read in one of the on-line definitions of this phrase that a man cave is a place men need to go because women have “control” of the rest of the house; the male needs somewhere he feels he can be in control.

Give me a break. If indeed a woman is in “control” of the rest of the house, it’s because she has to be or the family structure would fall completely apart. Perhaps none of these males will vacuum, cook, do laundry, or even put toilet paper in the bathrooms -- and somebody has to do it. And I would love for men to share with us the enormous task of keeping and coordinating the calendar and schedule for the family. It’d be wonderful to have another human being in the house who knows when doctor’s appointments, practices, school events, and everything else is besides me. Sometimes I feel if I were to die now, the doctors would have to somehow de-program me so all the family-related information I have stored in my brain would not be lost. If something ever happens to me, somebody please tell someone in my family that the dog gets his heartworm medicine on the 24^th of each month.

Look guys, we will gladly give up some control if you would take some of it from us. “Control” is another way – a guy’s way – to say ‘responsibility’. Evidently because we control the house, we decorate it as we see fit, while they want their own space to decorate with sports pennants, beer bottles, and posters of Sports Illustrated swim suit models. We decorate with the family in mind, guys – to make our house a home and good memories for our children. This means yes, we have to use some good taste and to make things comfortable and wholesome for our kids. You’d better believe there are times that I’d love to take down the painting of the California coastline or our framed wedding invitation from the family room, the Biblical scripture about “I am the vine, you are the branches” from the dining room or the practical spice rack in the kitchen and instead put up a huge poster of Brad Pitt, John Stamos, or a shirtless Matthew McConaughey, but I refrain from doing so. Probably would have done that in college, but I’m not in college anymore – and neither are the men who want to retreat into a man cave. Actually, in college, it was a poster of Tom Selleck. Mmmmm Magnum PI!

But I digress. Being in a cave suggests that men are tuning women out. Since when do they need a cave to do that? A special room in which to continue to be oblivious and clueless?

All right, I know that everyone needs a little time away, as the group Chicago once sang about in a song. But why is it just the men seem to have this need acknowledged and addressed by giving them a room all to themselves? Another definition of man cave from the Internet is “an emotional sanctuary for men when they're stressed and need ‘space’”. Ha, ha, ha. There is nothing emotional going on in a man cave – just the opposite.

My husband doesn’t have a man cave, primarily because we don’t have the extra room in our house to have one. Over my dead body would he have a man cave before I got a laundry room! We do have some sports banners and photos in our family room, however, complete with a new big screen TV. I’m glad he wanted to share that with the rest of us instead of trying to put it in a man cave. Don’t think my teenage sons would have liked that either.

Of course like anything else connected with men, the phrase ‘man cave’ now has some rather graphic sexual connotations, unfortunately. Hell, they can’t even respect the term ‘man cave’ enough to not turn it into something risqué.

I’ve read several articles about the ultimate man caves, but there's only been one time I've been in one. It was at the home of my youngest son’s football coach for an end-of-the-season party last fall. He graciously opened it up to women and kids because it was the perfect lay-out for a social gathering, particularly because the door opened up to an outdoor pool. There was also in the room the mandatory big screen TV, a pool table, and lots of sports banners. Outside by the pool, there was – I kid you not – a tiki bar with a bamboo roof. Jimmy Buffet was playing when we got there. Only one problem: sometimes it’s hard to turn a man cave into a family place. As all of us parents and kids were sitting there talking and eating pizza, the Jimmy Buffet song, “Why Don’t We Get Drunk and Screw?” came on. Now some of us parents noticed right off, but we didn’t really know the coach well enough to go censor his music, thinking that he’d realize his mistake quickly. Well, he must have been in the midst of a very interesting conversation with someone because he didn’t seem to notice. Parents glanced around at each other uncomfortably, as if to say, “I’m not going to tell him, you tell him.” But suddenly, the coach made a beeline for the CD player and changed the song, turning to the parents and laughing. “Whoops,” he said. A little violation of man cave protocol, I guess. So beware of mixing family events and man caves.

GUEST BLOG POST: Have Patience. It's Just Another Phase by Darah Zeldon

The first time I became a mom was at age 30, the last at 37. Within seven years I gave birth to five children. Unlike many other women my age, I didn’t wait to have children because I was pursuing a professional career.

I was discovering and challenging myself within unfamiliar surroundings. Not Wall Street, not Corporate America--- I had been studying life. Having a graduate degree in International Relations, it seemed most befitting that my “career” was to conquer other lands. As part of a research project, before marriage, I resided in a Russian immigrant housing unit on the disputed outskirts of Jerusalem, and immersed myself in this unstable foreign environment. Returning to the US, I met my soul mate, married within months, and five weeks from our wedding date, my Costa Rican husband and I headed for a quaint surfer town on the Pacific coast of Costa Rica to open our own business---and realize a dream.

Pregnant with my first in a town with no medical resources, we closed shop, moved to the capital of San Jose, and five weeks after giving birth, began another exciting venture in Panama City, Panama. My husband was offered an opportunity we couldn’t refuse, so we embarked on yet another adventure.

My other four kids were born in Panama and this soil became my own. I mastered living in this culture and gained an understanding of and appreciation for raising children in this society. Like a chameleon, I adapted to the customs, social protocol, navigated through the country’s legal system, and thrived linguistically.

Back in the US just two short years, I indulge in culturally-comparative analyses and have gained insight into some pervasive cultural nuances inherent in our American society-at-large. One of these is the need to label everything---like parenting styles--”free range” or “helicopter.” As a first-time “gringa mom,” I found myself totally unaligned with parenting norms, societal expectations, and school system bureaucracy.

Fusing it all together and re-integrating back into American society has been taxing. Reverse culture shock is surreal.

However, after nine years of parenting five kids, I’ve identified some consistent guiding rules of the international parenting game. In a nutshell: be patient and don’t stress out. No, I am not talking about the type of patience required to just grin-and-bear-it while your two year-old throws a tantrum when denied yet another Matchbox car in the supermarket check-out line. I’m still working on that one.

I’m talking about kids and their shtick, i.e. “phases.”

We Americans are obsessed with analyzing every facet of our lives: why we felt jealousy of a brother during childhood, why our pre-teen misbehaves, or why our neighbor’s dog pees on our front door mat. And then we ruthlessly deconstruct our relationship with our partner to the point that we no longer feel anything. Having studied psychology, I understand the allure of such knowledge, but enough!

Our children are blossoming before our eyes. Rather than spending time and dollars justifying our play-by-play analyses of their conduct, and neurotically indulging in every parenting guidebook on the market, what our kids need most is for us to simply guide them through their stages—reassuring them and ourselves, that it’s all par for the course.

Our guiding mantra should be: "this too shall pass."

Certainly, you’ve experienced this phenomenon: When you finally have an intellectual grasp on “why” your three year-old is angry about the birth of his newborn sister, he’s over it. Great. Now you’re an unofficial expert on the topic and it’s over— your child has moved on. And where does that leave you?

Obviously some “phases” last longer and linger about like unrelenting storm clouds, but even the worst storm must blow over eventually, right?
Months ago I wrote about my then three year-old’s obsession with my boobs, his former mammary glands. It seemed that just as I finished penning the article, the very next day, his fixation vanished—all by itself.

See: http://www.warriormom.net/2010/06/boob-obsession-when-does-kids-natural.html

Another time, when I was on the verge of a chronic-sleep-deprived nervous breakdown, my just-transitioned-from-crib-to-bed toddler, began sleeping through the night. It just happened, on its own, one glorious night.

See: http://www.warriormom.net/2010/04/truth-about-transitioning-from-crib-to.html

A while back I published a “controversial” piece about my then five year-old boy’s interest in playing with Barbies. After getting reproached by many readers as an unfit parent severely misguiding her son--the words used were caustic and loaded with animosity-- his fascination ceased, and he moved onto something more “boyish.” I never panicked or addressed his desire to partake in this "girly pastime," nor did I engage in "investigative psychological research" as to why he was inclined to do so. He was curious, checked it out for a while, and then got over it.

See: http://www.warriormom.net/2010/08/six-reasons-why-its-ok-that-my-son.html

Maybe the point is that if we just slow down, wait and tenderly coach our children through their perpetual evolutions, we’ll all benefit. Kids will enjoy a less stressful upbringing with more relaxed parents, and parents will save lots of time and money not spent on therapy, seminars, and expensive how-to manuals.

And just maybe we can use those saved resources to pursue other passions.

Darah Zeledon is a wife, mother of five, freelance writer, aspiring memoir author, small business owner, and fitness enthusiast. Darah’s incurably optimistic take on raising children in today’s unstable world is shaped largely by her efforts running a big household and several businesses while residing in Latin America.


Darah has a BS in clinical psychology and a MS in international relations. She has labored professionally in both, and worked in fitness, education, public speaking, and media. None of her endeavors prepared her for the most challenging feat of all: maintaining her sanity and sense-of-self while mothering five “dynamic and relentlessly inquisitive” children.


Read more from Darah at http://www.warriormom.net, or find her on Facebook at http://www.facebook.com/pages/Warrior-Mom-straight-talk-from-the-heart/151800674859203 or twitter @thewarriormom.

GUEST BLOG POST: Tips for Midlife Moms Planning to Untie the Knot by Joshua Ketover

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Nothing is more difficult emotionally and financially than going through the break-up of a marriage. But for couples who started a family later in life, a separation can be quite complicated, for two major reasons:

• You have acquired significantly more assets than your typically younger counterparts, and

• If you’re not careful, the child(ren) you have – either naturally, by adoption or through IVF or surrogate – can become the center of a very bitter divorce.

Under these circumstances, there are ways to conduct the “business” of divorce while making the oftentimes painful process a little simpler.

Here are 10 tips in the form of 5 “Do’s” and 5 “Don’ts” for midlife couples with children who are attempting to “untie the knot”:

TOP FIVE “DOs”:

1. Need Nothing: None of the tangible items should be deemed a “must have.” Whatever you need will surely become your Achilles’ heel when attempting to successfully negotiate a resolution of your divorce.

2. Know Everything: Whether you’ve been married for 20 years or practically just met, it is impossible to make important decisions about your divorce if there are any gaps in your understanding of you and your spouse’s assets, debts and income earning ability.

3. It’s Not Personal, Just Business: Keep your emotions at bay. Once you have made the emotional decision to end your marriage, the divorce should become nothing more than the business of dividing the assets you and your spouse have acquired over the years.

4. Know Who Your Friends Are: Some friends may think they are helping you by cheerleading, but in reality they might be enflaming your emotions, affecting your ability to reason. Others may think by keeping you grounded they are helping, but they may only cause you to doubt yourself. One or two good friends or family members who support you unconditionally are worth their weight in gold.

5. Remember, This Is Your Life: The decisions you will make during the divorce will affect you and your loved ones for years and years to come. Make sure you understand the consequences for any issues conceded or any issues on which you refuse to compromise.


TOP FIVE “DON’T”s:

1. Involving The Children: There is no worse act in a divorce proceeding than involving the children, intentionally or not. Couples should never discuss details of the divorce in front of the children or relay messages to one another through them. Both spouses must take extra care to avoid any words or actions that might not be in the child's best interest.

2. Revenge: You are getting divorced because for one reason or another you do not want to be with your spouse any longer. But the divorce is not the place to seek revenge for any perceived slights your spouse committed. Using the divorce in this way will only increase your attorneys fees and will probably cause you more stress.

3. Games: Gamesmanship in a divorce usually centers around the finances. Hiding assets or income, more often than not, only serves to delay the inevitable, increase your legal bill and cause you to lose any credibility with the court.

4. Bad Advice: Everyone involved in a divorce has a friend that went through “the same thing” and is filled with advice. Assuming what worked for a friend will work for you is often a recipe for disaster. Everyone’s life is unique.

5. Unrealistic Expectations: The greatest obstacle to a fair and reasonable resolution to a divorce is the unrealistic expectations of one or both sides. The reality is there are only so many assets and so much income a couple has. Each party must be realistic in understanding that the other has to be able to live and that each is entitled to a portion of the assets earned during the marriage.

In the end, your greatest assets are those unique to someone in your position in life: trusted long-time friends and family members, as well as the wisdom gained from life experience. These will help you avoid the common mistakes made by younger, perhaps more impulsive couples.

Finally, apply those same standards – trust and wisdom – when choosing an attorney. Make sure you are comfortable and can communicate easily with him or her because you are essentially putting your life in this person’s hands.

Joshua Ketover is a matrimonial attorney and managing member of Ketover & Associates, LLC in Garden City, NY. He specializes in complex litigation and transactional issues including, but not limited to, family and matrimonial law, criminal law, negligence, employment law, corporate disputes as well as real property disputes. He has served as a special-adjunct professor of law at Hofstra University School of Law and also served on one of Nassau County’s judicial screening committees.

Children as Individuals - By Cara Potapshyn Meyers

I came upon a post on Facebook from a friend last week that brought up a topic that elicited quite a few comments...most of them pretty intense.

The gist of the post was that teachers don’t see children as individuals. (This coming from a teacher, no less!!) We already know how I feel regarding my son’s teacher (see last week’s blog), but here was a thread of responses mirroring the very issue I brought up last week.

My friend did not express that ALL teachers present themselves in this manner. She did, however, give an example of how the teachers in a particular situation in my son’s school, completely disregarded a child’s needs because it went against their agenda. This frustrated the child and caused a huge scene. Many angry Moms related similar stories or validated the posts that were written.

So I asked myself, if this is going on with children other than my son, (and yes, it could just be our particular school, even though the school district is listed as one of the top 25 in the nation), what is going on in other schools? And how can teachers see their students as individuals? When I explained to a cousin that there were only 17 children in my son’s class, her response was, “Seventeen!!! When my daughter was in 2nd Grade (10 years ago), she had close to 30! How can children in a class of 17 NOT get more individualized attention?!” Good question!

So I investigated how teachers can see their students as individuals, and came up with this list:

The 9 Temperament Traits

Classic child development research conducted by Doctors Chess and Thomas has identified 9 temperamental traits:

Activity Level: This is the child's "idle speed” or how active the child is generally. Is the child always on the go? Or, does the child prefer sedentary quiet activities? Highly active children may channel such extra energy into success in sports; may perform well in high-energy careers and may be able to keep up with many different responsibilities.

Distractibility: The degree of concentration and paying attention displayed when a child is not particularly interested in an activity. This trait refers to the ease with which external stimuli interfere with ongoing behavior. Does the child become sidetracked easily when attempting to follow routine or working on some activity? High distractibility is seen as positive when it is easy to divert a child from an undesirable behavior but seen as negative when it prevents the child from finishing school work.

Intensity: The energy level of a response whether positive or negative. Does the child show pleasure or upset strongly and dramatically? Or does the child just get quiet when upset? Intense children are more likely to have their needs met and may have depth and delight of emotion rarely experienced by others. These children may be gifted in dramatic arts. Intense children tend to be exhausting to live with.

Regularity: The trait refers to the predictability of biological functions like appetite and sleep. Does the child get hungry or tired at predictable times? Or, is the child unpredictable in terms of hunger and tiredness? As grown-ups irregular individuals may do better than others with traveling as well as be likely to adapt to careers with unusual working hours.

Sensory Threshold: Related to how sensitive this child is to physical stimuli. It is the amount of stimulation (sounds, tastes, touch, temperature changes) needed to produce a response in the child. Does the child react positively or negatively to particular sounds? Does the child startle easily to sounds? Is the child a picky eater or will he eat almost anything? Does the child respond positively or negatively to the feel of clothing? Highly sensitive individuals are more likely to be artistic and creative.

Approach/Withdrawal: Refers to the child's characteristic response to a new situation or strangers. Does the child eagerly approach new situations or people? Or does the child seem hesitant and resistant when faced with new situations, people or things? Slow-to-warm up children tend to think before they act. They are less likely to act impulsively during adolescence.

Needless to say, my son falls high in every one of these categories. But does that make him a “bad” child? Not at all. In fact, if you channel these traits in positive directions, you can help a child reach even more than their potential. And these temperamental traits are not only helpful for teachers. Parents can use the same information to help see their children as the individuals their children are and channel their attributes appropriately.

I feel that both teachers and parents need to work together when a child has high needs in each of these temperamental traits. It CAN be done. But both sides must be willing to work together for the sake of the child! Ignoring or demeaning a child with high temperamental traits just leads to a combustible situation, as my Facebook friend relayed. Wouldn’t it be far easier and less stressful to use these traits and apply them to the children teachers are working with, so that a positive outcome or resolution of a problem can be quietly resolved?

Is this really too much to ask of a teacher?

Is this really too much to ask of us all?

You are Invited to Attend - by Cara

My son’s birthday was this past Friday. We had his birthday celebration on Saturday, which happened to also be MY birthday! It was at a gorgeous local pool, and the weather was the best we have had in weeks! Warm enough to swim; cool enough to relax in the shade, and no humidity! We had a perfect birthday on a perfect day!

What irks me, though, is that I have found that year after year, I always have to hunt down parents who fail to respond to the invitations I send out. I always send them out about a month before the party date, because I know families are busy during the summer months, or go away. I additionally put not only my phone number, but also my e-mail address on the invite so that for someone like me, who has limited time to chitchat, the parent can send out a quick e-mail message indicating whether their child can attend or not.

This year was the worst. Not only did I have to make multiple calls during the week before the party, the parents whom I did get in touch with gave me some of the most ridiculous responses. For instance, one Mom said that she would have to get back to me closer to the day of the party because if the weather was nice. She wanted to take the family to the beach. When I mentioned that adults were welcome to swim at the pool and that her son could even bring his brother along, she said she still was not sure. She ended up e-mailing me late the night before the party to say that her son couldn’t come.

Then there was the Mom who said that her daughter had a party to go to on the same day and that if her daughter wasn’t having fun at the first party, she would leave that party and come to my son’s. She never showed so I assume her daughter was having a good time at the other party.

And finally, one mother wanted to know if another particular child was going. She said that she would not let her son go if the other boy would be attending, because the two boys don’t like each other. When I said that the other boy’s parents hadn’t responded yet, she said to give her a call when they do, and that if the other boy was not coming, she would let her son come. (Incidentally, neither boy came because I never heard back from the first one, so I didn’t have any information to give the second one.)

There were also the no-shows. Mom’s who said that their sons would definitely be there but ended up MIA. And there were no follow-up calls indicating why the boys didn't come! To make this particular incident even more outrageous, one family happens to live six houses from the pool!! I just don’t get it.

Has the world become so bogged down with so much to keep track of that they can’t leave a simple message on the phone or through e-mail? I will give one Mom a little credit. She called me back very quickly after I called her home to see whether her daughter would be coming to the party. She apologized profusely and said that she had the party invitation in her pocketbook with the intent to RSVP, but the invitation got swallowed up inside her bag. At least she was carrying the invite around with her!

Until I can figure out a system that will work better, so that I am not scrambling to put goody bags together at the last minute with an undetermined head count, I guess I’ll be flying around, flapping my wings to make sure that I have everything ready, no matter who shows up or not. And I do want to thank those parents who actually did RSVP in a timely manner! One Mom even offered to come early and help set up! Two thumbs up for that Mom! Although I did decline her generous offer.

In the end, as stressful as putting a party together can be, the most important thing is that the kids had a great time! My son was ecstatic, and I had a terrific birthday, chatting with many of the Moms who are also my friends, while basking in the glow of my son’s happiness!

What more could I ask for on my birthday??

GUEST BLOG POST: A Teachable Moment - Summer Exploration by Dr. Susan Bartell

The summer is great when you’re a kid. The stressful weeks of school have been left far behind and autumn’s cold and dreary days seem like they’re still forever away. Each sunny moment is an opportunity for something new—an interesting shell on the beach; a new friend at the park; a delicious ice-cream flavor. The summer is a time for exploring.

In addition to being fun, exploring is an important task of childhood. By becoming a detective, a child learns that one must look beyond the obvious “big picture” to see the world as interesting and complex. Developing the ability to explore with an open and inquisitive mind—to analyze situations, objects and places—is a skill that will carry a child far beyond the fun of the playground and into a successful adult life.

It is important for you to provide opportunities for your child to explore—and summer is the perfect time. Encourage digging holes on the beach by making sure you remember to bring the shovel. Invite exploration in the playground by leaving ample time to play. Ensure bicycles and their safety equipment are accessible and ready to go. Your enthusiasm and patience (rather than frustration or boredom) will support your child’s desire to question and learn. At home, adventures can be found in baking or homegrown scientific experiments with soap, water, clay and…just ask your young explorer! Summer days are perfect for ‘science’ when patios or driveways can be hosed down afterwards!

Exploring need not be reserved for playful detective work! Trying new foods is a type of exploration—a venturing into unknown and for many children, scary territory. However, the summer is a great time for widening a child’s palate. For one thing, it is less stressful, having left behind the “hurry up and eat, we’ll be late for school, homework or bed.” There are also so many great foods to try—fruits, BBQs and picnic foods all seem tastier and more fun in the summer. So, invite your child to explore a rainbow of summer foods—make it tempting by cutting them into interesting designs or serving them in fun ways. Invite neighbors to a picnic in the backyard—new foods taste better on colorful paper plates while sitting under a tree, especially when other kids are eating them too—peer pressure can work wonders when it comes to exploring foods.

Some children are born explorers. For others, the idea of venturing out of their comfort zone doesn’t seem like fun, it feels overwhelming. Sometimes a child is left behind by the others who want to explore—especially when the park, pool and beach are calling out for adventure. A reluctant explorer may need a boost from you to get over fear. Also, ask yourself if you’re contributing to his or her anxiety by conveying your own worries about straying too far, getting hurt or becoming dirty. If so, you’ll want to keep this in check so your child can become a more confident explorer—while still being safe of course!

Igniting interest in creative exploration is a gift you can give your child that will burn brightly long into adulthood. So get out your favorite walking shoes, your digging stick and your magnifying glass and get ready to explore!

Dr. Susan Bartell is America’s #1 family psychologist. Her latest book is The Top 50 Questions Kids Ask. You can learn more about Dr. Bartell at http://www.drsusanbartell.com/. 

ROBIN'S SHOW RECOMMENDATION: Curious George Live!

(A VEE Corporation Production in association with Universal Pictures Stage Productions and Houghton Mifflin Harcourt. CG: ® & © 2010 Universal Studios and/or HMH. Photos courtesy of VEE Corporation.)

CURIOUS GEORGE LIVE! The World’s Favorite Mischievous Monkey

CURIOUS GEORGE®, the irrepressible little monkey who has captured children’s hearts for generations, jumped into action when he takes the stage in the inaugural tour of Curious George Live!

Starring in his own original live musical stage production for the first time ever, Curious George is on a mission to help Chef Pisghetti save his restaurant by winning a world-famous meatball competition. With guidance from his friend, The Man with the Yellow Hat, George’s adventures take him to Rome and The Golden Meatball Contest. With every swing and flip, George takes the audience through a fun-filled, entertaining story filled with music, dance and follow-that-monkey fun.

Children and parents around the world have delighted in Curious George’s adventures in books for nearly 65 years. Created in 1941 by Margret and H.A. Rey, Curious George has provided the inspiration for books, movies and a television series, and will continue to educate and entertain children in Curious George Live! by introducing them to a limitless world of exploration and discovery while offering wholesome family fun. Featuring original composition and familiar songs and professional singers and dancers, Curious George Live! will entertain young audiences.

For information, visit Curious George Live!.

To order tickets and receive a discount, use the passcode FRIEND online in “promotions and special offers” box on Ticketmaster.com, or at the box office.  Visit ticketmaster to see if the show is coming to your town.
http://www.ticketmaster.com/search?tm_link=tm_homeA_header_search&q=curious+george

GUEST BLOG POST: Daddy Will Fix It: Facing Consequences - by Dr. Jenn Berman

When you help your children understand at an early age that they are responsible for the choices they make as well as for the consequences of their actions, you promote a sense of mastery and self-confidence in them.

One of the most difficult tasks for parents is allowing their kids to suffer the consequences of their choices and actions. But in order for children to grow up to become responsible adults, they need to know how to deal with these kinds of consequences. It is a crucial developmental step for them to take.

Mark, a college student, was sent to me by his parents because they were concerned about his pot smoking and poor grades. Mark, who was clearly very bright and got fantastic SAT scores, was completely unmotivated. He attended an expensive private college with a great academic reputation. When I asked him what he planned to do after college he told me he would go to law school.

“How are you going to get into law school?” I asked him. “You are barely passing your classes right now, and law school is highly competitive.”
“My dad has connections. He can buy me a spot in at least three of the top schools,” he told me.

Apparently Mark’s dad had already bought his son’s way into his current school. Up to that point, Mark had never had to face any of the consequences of his actions. If he forgot his homework his mother brought it, if he forgot his lunch the maid brought it, if he forgot to feed his goldfish and it died he was given a new fish. Now mom and dad were still getting him out of trouble, and at the age of nineteen Mark had no life skills, no discipline, and no motivation. Had Mark suffered the consequences of his actions at an earlier age, he would have learned to apply himself. Adversity leads to growth. If you allow your children to suffer the consequences of bad choices, they will learn to make better choices. Protecting kids from those kinds of consequences only retards their ability to develop into responsible adults.

Excerpted from the book The A to Z Guide to Raising Happy, Confident Kids © copyright 2007 by Dr. Jenn Berman. Reprinted with permission from New World Library. www.NewWorldLibrary.com

Dr. Jenn Berman is a Marriage, Family and Child Therapist in private practice in Los Angeles. She is the author of the Los Angeles Times best-selling book The A to Z Guide to Raising Happy Confident Kids which won the Mom’s Choice Award gold medal in parenting. She is also the author of SuperBaby: 12 Ways to Give Your Child a Head Start in the First 3 Years and the co-author of the children’s book Rockin’ Babies. Her “Dr. Jenn” parenting column runs in Los Angeles Family Magazine and elsewhere and won a Parenting Publications of America award. She is also on the Board of Advisors for Parents Magazine. Dr. Jenn has appeared on television including The Oprah Winfrey Show, The Today Show, The Early Show, etc. She currently hosts a call-in advice show on Sirius/XM’s Cosmo Radio. Dr. Jenn has an eco-friendly clothing line for adults and children called Retail Therapy. She lives in Los Angeles with her husband and twin daughters. For more information, visit http://www.DoctorJenn.com.

Beating My Parents -- by Laura

My mother hates my father. She has hated him for years. Like so many women of her generation, she got married thinking it was the cure for her loneliness and unhappiness. She thought my father would fix her, that he would be her therapist, that he would be her best friend, and, of course, that he would be her knight in shining armor. And like many women her age, she is resentful that he could do or be any of those things.

But unlike many women of her generation, my mother elected to stew in her anger rather than get counseling. Instead, she used me as her therapist. Throughout my childhood my mother gradually poisoned me against her husband. From age 12 to about age 20, I thought my father was a cold, neglectful, indifferent man. I refused to listen to him, I deliberately disobeyed him, and I was mean, mean, mean to him at every opportunity.

When I was 23, I moved to a part of the city that was only a few blocks from my father’s office, and on the nights I was not waiting tables, he would call and ask if he could stop by. He’d bring a six-pack of Coors beer, and we would sit on my patio even on the coldest of days, drink a brew, and play fetch with the dogs. My dad loved dogs. And he especially loved Labrador retrievers, and I had rescued two of them from the pound where he sometimes volunteered. They were the magnets that helped draw my father and I back together, and in my heart I have built a glorious memorial for those dogs.

On those evenings I got to know my father really well. And what I found was a man who was very much like me. He loved books, the outdoors, gardens, hiking, dogs, beer, and he especially loved his children and his life with them. He even loved the woman who had berated him all of his life, alienated him from his brothers and sisters, and tried to turn his own children against him. “She can’t help it,” he told me once. “She didn’t grow up with anyone loving her.”

To say I dislike my mother is an understatement. But over the past 20 years, I have tried to remember his words: That no one loved her, and that’s why she is the way she is.

I struggle with her more now that I am a parent myself. I look at her behaviors toward her family, and something deep in me bubbles up into my throat. My mother drove a wedge between my father and his twin brother. If a woman ever did that to my twins, I don’t know what I would do, but my wrath would be severe. My mother also liked to be divisive with her own children because she learned that if we were angry with one another, we would go to her to talk about the sibling we were disgusted with at that time. It was her way of guaranteeing attention. And saddest to me is that I bought into her lies and lost precious years with my father and siblings. It’s something I have not forgiven myself for.

Last week my mother found a letter I had written my father more than 10 years ago, and she sent me a venomous email in response. In the letter I discussed my mother’s accusations of his affair, and I suggested to my father that if the accusations were not true that my mother could be experiencing delusional episodes due to her own childhood. I also suggested that after 40 years of emotional abuse it might be time to leave my mother. I recommended he divorce her and go live with his twin brother. It was the right advice to give.

I was particularly worried about my father because he had just been diagnosed with Parkinson’s disease, and I knew as the disease worsened my mother would not take care of him. I knew she would let him deteriorate, she would not help him with his medications, she would not want to take him to the doctor, and when she did she would not participate. She would only hinder. She was angry with him and felt he had done this to her on purpose.

My mother is furious with me for writing that letter. She should be. But I am not sorry I wrote it. I am, however, finding myself angry with my father for sticking with her. If he had left, he’d be getting better care right now. If he had left, maybe he could have reconnected with his twin brother. If he had left, maybe he would not be declining so quickly. Sometimes I blame his disease on her entirely. Living with her constant criticism, her accusations, and her lies has to take its toll. I know it did with me.

It’s a fight, really, not to be a bad parent when you are raised by someone like my mother. Every day it’s a fight, so to ensure I battle in a good way, I am committed to picking up the phone and scheduling an appointment with a counselor. It’s good to have someone walk me through it so I can understand my mother and her hatred. I am not going to repeat this with my sons and my husband. I want them to love me as I love them. But sometimes I hear myself saying the things to my husband that my mother said to my father, and it knocks the wind out of me. And that’s when I pick up the phone and call.

ROBIN'S SHOW RECOMMENDATION: John Tartaglia's ImaginOcean

John Tartaglia’s ImaginOcean, which recently opened on March 31 in NYC, takes audiences on a live musical voyage to the bottom of the ocean floor and follows the escapades of Dorsel, Tank and Bubbles. Treasure map in hand, this loveable trio of best fish buddies embark on an aquatic adventure, leading them to new friends and discoveries.

Created and written by Tony and the Emmy Award nominee (perhaps best known for the hit musical Avenue Q), John Tartaglia’s ImaginOcean is an inventive family musical with a positive message for children. With direction and musical staging by veteran musical theater performer Donna Drake, music and lyrics by William Wade, this interactive sea tale boasts spirited production numbers, memorable characters, cool black light puppet technology and even glow in the dark bubbles. My son, Seth, 7, enjoyed it, as did my husband and I...though the audience was full of many younger children who had a good time.

“I created this show with families in mind,” says John Tartaglia, ImaginOcean writer and producer. “With the one hour running time, it’s a perfect activity for parents, grandparents and children of all ages to see together.”

With increased demand for weekend performances, ImaginOcean is scheduling two additional shows on Saturdays starting the week of May 10. New Saturday show times will be at 2PM and 4:30PM in addition to the current 11AM performance. Other show times are Wednesdays at11AM, 2PM and 7PM; and Sundays at 12PM.

ImaginOcean is produced by Jellyfish Jive Productions; Philip Katz, Michael Shawn Lewis along with John Tartaglia.

Tickets are $39 and may be purchased through TeleCharge (212) 239-6200 or http://www.telecharge.com and at the box office at NEW WORLD STAGES, 340 West 50th Street. For groups of 12 or more, please contact Group Sales Box Office at 800-223-7565 or visit http://www.bestofbroadway.com.

For more information about John Tartaglia’s ImaginOcean, please visit the official show website http://www.imaginoceanthemusical.com.

Perspective -- by Gina

Today is a gorgeous day; blue skies, sunny, 61 degrees – quite a welcome departure from the snow and storms we’ve had so recently. You wouldn’t think that just this past weekend was a storm that took down power lines and trees every few blocks in the northeast. I can even hear the sound of spring - kids happily playing outside after a long winter indoors.

But despite the bright weather, today is also a dark day. Today I heard the news that a friend’s child is losing his battle with cancer.

My eyes teared up as chills ran down my spine. I wondered how the parents are going to get through it, and how frightened and utterly devastated they all must be. I said a silent prayer for them. But what can you really say or do at a time like this – when someone’s world is crashing down around them, when their heart is surely breaking into a million pieces?

For me, this is one of those moments that “puts it all in perspective”… in a big way.

I’d been having a rough week with my daughter, Gianna. Between racing around to get to my full time job on time, nursing her through her most recent cold, chasing her around the house with Tylenol and nose spray, dealing with her tantrums and the worst part, hardly getting any sleep all week. She has been scared of sleeping alone in her room, and has been finding her way out of bed and downstairs asking for.. well.. you name it -another cup of water, some company, the option to sleep with me and my husband in our bed. This week, my patience has been worn thin and my energy even thinner. While I was at work one day, Gianna discovered my permanent markers and decided to decorate her arms, hands and knees with them. A trying week, that is, until you are reminded of what a trying week truly is... and someone helps you to put your own trivial complaints into perspective.

So tonight I will give my daughter a big hug, and probably kiss her so much she wipes her face, sneering, “Ugh! I don’t like kisses!”

Today, my heart goes out to all the parents out there facing the truly unfaceable. It is not until I became a mom that I understood what my sister, herself a mother, meant when she told me, “Congratulations. Now your heart exists outside your body.” I have never felt such incredible emotions in my life until having a child… the highs and lows of pure love, true joy, fierce strength, and utter sorrow. Your heart is literally out of your control. No wonder we parents are always exhausted. It is not just the physical and the day-to-day errands, school, etc. – I’m convinced it is the emotional exhaustion that wears us out. Loving someone so totally and completely with all your heart is a risky business, despite all we get in return.

“Later moms” face the unique challenge of dealing with the fear that we may not be around for our kids due to our advanced age, and hand in hand with that fear comes regret for not having become parents earlier in our lives. Again, for me, hearing today’s sad news puts the “later mom remorse” smack into its rightful place. The back of my mind, way far back so I can focus on the important stuff: loving and caring for my child today, not worrying so much about what in our lives is “not right”, living in the present, and being incredibly grateful for the messy playroom, the runny nose I’ve wiped what seems like fifty times today, and yes, even the misdirected permanent marker.

Happy Birthday, to Me... -- by Jamie

It’s my birthday today. Or, as I like to call it every year, the start of my “birthday month.” I love my birthday, and this year, as I launch a new decade, it seems like more of a reason to celebrate than ever. Weeks ago, as this milestone day was approaching, and Jayda became involved in the party planning and discussions of all the festivities, she asked me, “Are you going to be 2-1/2?” I answered, “No,” and with resounding enthusiasm, informed her, “I’m going to be FORTY!” “Wow!” she responded. But since she can only count up to 20, she really has no idea of the magnitude of this birthday. I have, however, raised her to understand how important birthdays are, in general, thanks to my own upbringing. My parents always made (and continue to make!) a huge fuss over me on my birthday, and I do the same for Jayda. My daughter knows that a birthday equals tons of attention—and is intended to be a perfect day filled with presents, fun activities, and cupcakes, of course (or, in a worse-case scenario, a sheet cake with tons of gooey icing).

When I was a child, on the night before my birthday, after I’d gone to bed, my parents would hang a string of balloons outside our house, from the front door to a tree several feet away, “announcing” my birthday to the whole neighborhood; they did this for my siblings—and for themselves, too—as it was (and still is!) a Levine-family tradition. Every year, when I woke up on the morning of my birthday, I’d look outside my window and see the balloons, and smile. It’s amazing how happy and hopeful those balloons could make a person feel—even a 40 year old.

For children, birthdays are often all about parties, presents, and treats—and who can blame them? Personally, I fondly remember going to ToysRUs with my mother and picking out all kinds of toys for myself as an annual birthday tradition. I also remember my deliciously messy make-your-own sundae parties, Carvel ice cream cakes, candy-filled piñatas, and staying-awake-all-night-long slumber parties with a houseful of giggling girl friends.

But as an adult, birthdays take on new meaning. Some people choose to ignore their birthdays; I like to embrace them. On one level, I think it’s important to acknowledge—and celebrate—having lived another year. And while it’s true this has been an unusually challenging year for me—full of plenty of ups and downs—I do still have so much to be grateful for—namely, my daughter, Jayda. It would have been heartbreaking for me to reach the age of 40 without having become a mother, and I’m so thankful I made the choices I made, and was able to have a child on my own, almost three years ago.

On a more selfish level, I simply love the idea of having one day (or one month?) out of the year that’s focused on celebrating me! Because let’s face it: I like the attention. I don’t need presents. I don’t need expensive dinners out. It’s not about money being spent on me…but really the thought that counts. I simply enjoy having people calling me, sending me cards, and wishing me “Happy Birthday!” Of course, this year, I did want a slightly bigger deal: I wanted my friends and family to “really” celebrate with me. Which is why I decided to have a party. Fortunately, my incredibly generous parents helped me organize it, and I had wonderful friends who were able to eat, drink, and be merry with me. It was a great way to kick off my birthday, which I hope will be filled with all the phone calls, emails, and attention I crave—from loved ones around the country, and the globe. I just want people to remember me—and to continue to celebrate with me—as I turn 40, and beyond. That’s all this birthday girl really needs. Because birthdays—like life—should be filled with loving friends and family, happiness, a little sugar, and a few nice surprises along the way.

Is Yelling the New Spanking? by Cara

I was forwarded an article by a friend this week, written by a New York Times columnist about whether American parents believe yelling at their children is considered what spanking used to be back in the 50s, 60, and to a certain degree, the 70s.

The article shouted practically a unanimous, “yes,” with evidence backed up by child psychology researchers and interviews with parents. Most of the evidence indicated that the same parents who would “never” spank their children, use yelling as a means to get their point across instead. In fact, one blogger admitted on her blog, “I am a screamer. I’m a Mom that screams, shouts and loses it in front of my kids and feel like I’m revealing a dark family secret.”

This may not be so far from the truth. My own parents never spanked me. However my father used to bellow so loudly at me at the smallest of infractions, it almost felt like a spanking. In fact, a spanking might have hurt less at times.

I personally have never spanked my son and have yelled at him only once (not including screaming for him to wait at a corner until I get there so as not to get run over). Every other time, I give myself a time out. I go to another room, lock the door, put earplugs in and listen to calming music for 5 minutes. I’ve been known to put my toddler in a playpen and walk around the house a few times. And on a couple rare instances, I handed my husband the baby, grabbed my car keys and my wallet and drove around the neighborhood for 30 minutes or so.

So what are these experts and researchers trying to tell us? And what really is a frustrated, ready to blow parent supposed to do? According to the New York Times article, both psychologists and psychiatrists generally say yelling should be avoided. At best, it is ineffective (the more you do it, the more the child tunes you out) and at worse, it can be damaging to a child’s sense of well-being and self-esteem. As one researcher put it, “If someone yelled at you at work, you’d find that pretty jarring.” Furthermore, if the tone of the yelling denotes anger, insult, or sarcasm, a child can perceive it as parental rejection.

The bottom line message through this article is: Don’t yell. Easier said than done. But there are strategies to prevent situations from escalating into the “Yell-o-sphere.” One strategy, as I’ve mentioned and used is to give yourself the time-out. Go into another room and scream into a pillow if need be! Be proactive, let young ones know that a transition will be coming soon and repeat it in intervals. Make sure the school age child has the backpack filled the night before. Tell your young ones that going into a store is where the parent makes the purchases, not the child. I personally go shopping while my son is in school. If I were not able to do that, I would forgo sleep and do grocery shopping at 10:00 pm. But that’s just me!

The experts suggest figuring out your own ways to prevent situations that make you most prone to yell. And take a deep breath before the words come out. There, unfortunately, will always be those moments where you just don’t know how to handle certain situations. You’ll blow, but an apology is usually recommended. And you can always do what I do if I know my husband is in a bad mood and may explode. I’ll say to my son, “Honey, just don’t make Daddy mad.” My son knows EXACTLY what that means! Then we BOTH stay away!

NEWS FROM MOTHERHOODLATER.COM

In ample time for Mother's Day, I am excited to announce that www.Motherhoodlater.com has launched a Shop featuring cool, exclusive stuff for 35+ moms and others. I’d like to personally invite you to check it out, and tell friends and family.

Proceeds going toward helping support the efforts of MotherhoodLater.com, including our website, free monthly email newsletter, communities, event planning....etc.

On another note...if you're in NY, starting April 22nd, running for 8 consecutive weeks, we're hosting a workshop series featuring Dr. Shefali Tsabary, Ph.D. addressing the subject of Enlightened Parenting.

LIParentSource.com is a supporter of the event, and we're happy to have them on board. The site is your free online guide to Long Island family resources from pregnancy through the teen years. You may visit to register for the weekly e-newsletter, find coupons & discounts, events and more!

You may attend the entire workshop series, or pay as you go. There will be door prizes, light refreshments, and freebie samples for all.

We are also on the verge of lauching a tele-class series...so stay tuned for details.

MISSING MOM

To give you an update....we made it through week three without a nanny unscathed, and things are gradually shaping up on this end.

We decided to enroll my son in an after school program for two days. Turns out a bunch of boys he knows are also in the program, so he's a happy camper about going there. And, we feel good about him having further socializing opportunities. Having him there is also helping me to straighten out my schedule, since I know that I have a bigger chunk of time available during the day to get things done. I feel a bit less like I'm racing the clock, though there still never seems to be enough hours in the day these days.

I've been sharing our nanny story with people gradually...those who knew her...and everyone is a bit stunned at the way it sadly concluded. Myself included, of course.

It made me think back to when Seth was a little one and how we've always had help. This is a whole new experience for us. So many moms I know have family support, which is so wonderful.

As Thanksgiving approaches, I become accutely conscious of family. I was speaking with one mom friend yesterday who mentioned she is cooking for 16. And, that she and her husband are going away in a couple of weeks to stay at a friends time share. Her parents or her husband's parents will stay with the kids (she has two) while they're gone.

I wondered...what is that like?

I am a "later" mom who is herself the product of "later" parents...and my mom passed away 10 years ago. My dad is a senior with health challenges. And, my husband lost his dad, and his mom is a senior. So, we have no parental help with Seth, and little family to spend holidays with. My sister and her family and my husband's brother and his family are all traveling for Thanksgiving.

I'm not a big entertainer, so I don't mind not having a crowd over for dinner. But, I do get a bit melancholy when I think of what holidays were like for me growing up. My mom would cook, and the whole house smelled great. And, I remember her signature recipes, i.e. matzoh stuff and pumpkin bread with chocolate chips. My husband now makes the pumpkin bread, which my son loves, and I feel like we're sharing a bit of my mom with him, who he never knew.

I mentioned to a new friend the other day that my mom never met my son and how much she would have loved him. I'm sad for that, though we talk about her and share her photos with Seth. And, one day (when I have the emotional strength) can show him videos. But, they remain hard for me to watch.

So, if you have your parents, I urge you to enjoy them and not just during the holidays. Stay in the moment. Treasure their presence in your family's life...even if the relationship isn't perfect. You'll miss them when they're gone, regardless, and perhaps wish things might have been different. So, seize this time and try to create as loving a scenario with them as you can.

I'd love to have my mom back, even for a moment, so she could smile at my son.

Our Children, Ourselves

I was watching The View on ABC this morning, and they featured a number of guests addressing the subject of plastic surgery. It was a combination of both individuals and doctors sharing their experiences.

I was particularly struck by a mother and young daughter who were on the show. The daughter had had a couple of procedures. One was breast reduction. The other was liposuction. And, she was addressing how she has a deviated septum and expects one day to have surgery to correct her nose.

There was some debate about such a young person having elective cosmetic surgery, which is a whole topic unto itself.

What really struck me from the segment was a comment made to the effect that what matters most is that it be the child's decision and not that of the parent. Of course the parent is there to support them and seek out competent medical care. But, at the end of the day, elective cosmetic surgery is not something a young person should do to please a parent.

This holds true, in general, way beyond any discussion re: plastic surgery.

As a parent, and perhaps in particular, as a later parent, we want so much for our children. Certainly any parent's goal is a happy, healthy child, but as a 35+ mom, I wonder if we are even more inclined to want our children to reach their best because we are further ahead in our lives and have potentially succeeded at careers or on other levels?

We have to be sure not to impose our wants or desires on our children, however tempting it may be.

While we've lived more of life than younger parents, our children will make their own mistakes, as they should. We can't protect them on every level, nor do we want to live through them.

Seeing who they will become is part of the thrill, certainly as we nurture and provide for them along the way. But, especially as they get older, their decisions will be their own. And, we may or may not be in agreement with them.

I can only imagine it will get harder on that level as Seth matures. I hope I can continue to be a voice of reason and strength as he further develops his own character and personality. I'm immensely curious to see what direction life takes him, and I'm grateful to be along for the ride.

PS -- Reminder -- the MotherhoodLater.com newsletter is launching soon. If you haven't already signed up to receive it, be sure that you input your email address on www.motherhoodlater.com.